Zoinks, it's a Vortex!
by The-Turducken-Affairs
Summary: Sam and Dean get sucked into a vortex and then things happen. Things: dumbness and bantering and alternate universes! Don't think too hard. Spoilers and warnings will be before every chapter. Also, can anyone let me know if this should be considered a parody?
1. Sam Can't Drive

**Disclaimer: Supernatural is not mine.**

**Warning... or A/N?: I am putting about as much effort into this as one would except from a cat with thumbs. That is to say, don't have any expectations when you read this and you might (_might_) be pleasantly surprised. Maybe.**

**I haven't been writing as much as I would like, because I keep overthinking it. I have now decided to fix this problem by giving myself an outlet for not overthinking my writing. That would be this story. Therefore, know that this story will involve- roughly- no thinking. Except when it comes to proper spelling and grammar. That's pretty important to me...**

**Apparently, script format is not allowed... for some reason? So I've changed it back to story format, but be prepared for half assed writing. AKA, lots of dialogue, little/poor description. Apologies. :/ :(**

**I don't think this is very good, but I have to write something so...**

**Read, enjoy, review! :D**

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><p><span>Chapter 1:<span>

Sam Can't Drive/ Dean is Handsome: A Medley

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><p>Sam and Dean had been on their merry way to the next hunt when it all started. Sam was driving and his left eye was twitching. Dean was beating a mad, phat rhythm against the glove compartment with two pencils. Sam was getting ready to blackmail his doofus brother into being less annoying. BUT THEN! Things started to go very wrong…<p>

The wheel began to jerk back and forth, forcing the car into a zig zagging pattern across the road. Now, there is a reason why people don't drive by turning the steering wheel all the way to the right, then all the way to left, over and over again. The reason is because the wheels, on one side of the car or the other, will eventually completely leave the ground and bring the vehicle into an uncontrollable tilting spin. Then, the car will crash.

This is exactly what happened to the car Sam and Dean were in, save for the crashing part. Instead, the car seemed to almost phase through the ground. The brothers probably won't ever admit it, but at that very moment, they had both closed their eyes. As such, they did not see the car fall into some weird sort of vortex. They did, however, open their eyes in the next second, when they realized they hadn't crashed.

What they saw would haunt them for hours… or days... or something... They were inside a mystical, outer space like tunnel with stars, asteroids, and the works flying by.

"I swear Sam, this is the last time I'm letting you drive!"

"What the- Are you kidding me? This is NOT my fault!"

Sam is totally right. He isn't, and never will be, able to control vortexes. Not even a little bit.

And yet… "Well, **I've **never accidentally driven us straight through some sort of vortex of doom that destroyed everything in its path except for us."

Sam huffs, "It wasn't there a second ago!"

"And that's why you never take your eyes off the road. Everything can change in a second."

At this point, Sam is wildly gesticulating. Oh, and also saying, "I- I didn't! I just blinked and then, there it was!"

Dean is having none of it. His voice contains of a sort of sage wisdom and inner peace as he says, "And look what happened."

"…Are you seriously saying you never blink when you drive?"

Dean shrugs. "Well, if the shoe fits."

"You're such a jerk."

Sam is pouting just a teensy bit at this point, though it is hard to tell because he's so ginormous and one wouldn't immediately associate the word "pouting" with a person of such a large stature. Dean smirks. It fits his pretty, freckled face perfectly.

Dean loftily replies, "Maybe, but a handsome one."

At this point, all Sam can say is, "Uuggghhhh."

"There, there. I too am sometimes stunned by my own rugged handsomeness."

"I think I barfed in my mouth a little."

Dean pats Sam's arm condescendingly and says, "Awesome. You can't drive or behave like a normal human being. Come on now Sammy, spit it out, don't just hold it in your mouth."

"UUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH."

There is a momentary pause where Dean looks as if he's considering Sam's stance on the matter. Then he says, "You're right, a burger would be really good right about now."


	2. Mullet Rock and Voice Mails

**Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine.**

**Spoilers: References to season 4, especially the finale (aka 4.22 Lucifer's Rising).**

**Warning: I am still putting about as much effort into this as one would except from a cat with thumbs. Despite that, I hope that you will...**

**Read, enjoy, review! :D**

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><p><span>Chapter 2:<span>

Mullet Rock and Voice Mails

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><p>Sam and Dean are still chillin' like villains in the vortex thing. They may be two hunting bros with mad skills, but they also know when to not even bother. This is one of those times. After all, what sort of game plan could possibly be made once you're stuck in a car that appears to be floating in outer space? Exactly.<p>

"Dean," Sam rasps.

Dean rasps back, "Yeah, Sammy?"

Sam and Dean exchange deep and meaningful glances, as if this single glance will able to convey every last bit of sentiment that has gone unsaid throughout their lifetimes.

Sam responds, "I just want you to know…" He breathes in painfully, as if he hasn't had water in days. Then he bravely continues, "If we don't ever make it out of this vortex…"

"Go on, I'm listening… little brother…"

"I'm breaking all of your mullet rock cassette tapes," Sam finishes, rather coolly.

Sam now straightens up, uses his moose hooves to brush his hair behind his ears, and no longer looks as if he's about to collapse. The thought must have been weighing heavily on his psyche. It's a good thing he got that off his chest. Keeping things to yourself will kill you.

"GOD, WHY SAMMY? WHY?"

Dean also looks more… vibrant, but for other reasons. Reasons like, adrenaline has just rushed through his body in order to give him the power to defend those tapes with his life.

Sam merely shrugs and says, "I cannot listen to another rendition of," he then begins to vaguely look like he's playing an air guitar, "wah, wah, guitar solo, raspy voice, guitar solo again."

Dean sputters, "But- but those are the best parts!"

Sam looks off into the distance, face scrunched up in indescribable pain. He ignores Dean, as he's trapped in his own little world of horrors, and says more to himself than Dean, "I can practically hear them running combs through their ridiculously long, sleek, glamorous hair."

"That's… kind of gay." Dean, dumfounded, adds on, "How did you make mullet rock gay?!"

"It's not my fault that all your heroes are music majors with a love for styling hair."

"Well I never!"

Sam gives Dean a weird look, but then shoots back, "Them's the break. We live in a cold, hard, dark world that'll eat you right up."

Sam looks down at his clenched fists, as if they hold unimaginable power that can only be earned through blood, sweat, tears, sacrifice, and all the other horrible things Supernatural has to offer.

He begins to talk to himself again, as if still trapped in that little world of horrors, saying, "And spit you right back out. Then eat you up again, digest you a little, spit the rest of you out, and then-"

"OH MY GOD SAM. How could I never have notice that your insides are pure evil? I should have figured it out way before the demon blood thing!"

Sam primly responds, "To be fair, I was incredibly good at lying, plus I gots dem puppy dog eyes." He looks thoughtful, furrows his brow, and says, "Also, that totally wasn't my fault! I was manipulated by Ruby at my most vulnerable point and then was victim to Heaven and Hell's whims."

Dean, now totally past all the angst from season 4- erm, that one year, says nonchalantly, "Yeah, sure. I totally get that… but… I never did understand why you'd ignore my heartfelt confession of love and brotherhood and stuff."

"Pft, when was that? Before or after you called me a monster and racked up the repair bill for my sweet ass hotel room?"

"After. I left you a voice mail…"

Sam looks startled for a second, and then queasy. "That's totally not the same message I got."

"What? What do you mean-" Dean looks startled for a second, and then queasy. He mutters angrily, "Friggin' angels."

Sam says, "Right?"


	3. All About that Bass

Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to none other than... not me.

Warning: Effort... none.. grammar aiight... Etc. etc.

A/N: The bros will be out of the vortex by next chapter!

Read, enjoy, review!

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><p><span>Chapter 3:<span>

Chorus Practice and Dating/ All About that Bass

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><p>The boys remain stuck in the friggin' vortex. Dean, at one point or another, managed wrangle himself into driver's seat. Even though he has become the driver, he does, in fact, blink on occasion. That is not important right, though.<p>

What's important is that Sam is giving Dean a highly disturbed look, while leaning as far away from Dean as possible. Why? Well…

"Zingamomma zingamomma zingamomma zingamomma zing zing zing… Ah-leh-eh-loo-uh mee-meh-maw-moh-moo-"

Sam finally interrupts, asking in aghast voice, "What are you _doing_?"

Dean says, without an ounce of shame, "vocal warm-up." Then he looks at Sam as if Sam will care at all about this next fact. "For bass singers, specifically."

Sam doesn't care at all. Except... "Uhuh… And why exactly are you doing this?" Also, Sam's beginning to think Dean's kind of dumb. Well, dumber than Sam had previously given him credit for.

Dean tsks, like a disapproving mama. He goes on to say, "Sammy, Sammy, Sammy… I'm a good looking guy, right?"

Dean looks at Sam as if he might get an answer, but shrugs when Sam just blankly stares at him. Sam, meanwhile, is hoping that if he doesn't move, or make a noise, that Dean might stop saying whatever it is he's about say.

Dean doesn't stop.

"Let's face it. I'm a lady's man. They look good, I look good. Even trade. I work out, they work out. We make sexy faces at each other before approaching each other… Well, here's a little known fact. The voice is pretty important too. It's the final cincher in getting a girl to leave the bar with you. I mean, who wants a big, buff guy with a squeaky voice? No one. A lady wants to hear the deep, sensual baritone of a real man…"

Sam is now shifting around uncomfortably. He can't help but desperately look around, as if the vortex might offer him an escape route. He also develops, in a remarkably short amount of time, the coping mechanism of continually cringing in on himself as if making himself look smaller might help him to disappear.

Dean is still talking. "…And that's how I learned the true meaning of Hanukah. And also why guys joined chorus in high school."

Sam stares out the window, listlessly and hopelessly, before suddenly looking super-duper happy. "Oh hey, I see a bright light!" He points eagerly off into the distance. Holy music begins to play and the car shakes violently.

Dean, secretly terrified, says, "Uh, Sam, I don't think we're _supposed_ to go towards the light…" He looks thoughtful for all of two seconds before tacking on, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a thing. "

Sam doesn't care. He grabs the wheel, overpowering Dean's attempt to steer away from the light with the sheer desperation of a man who has been through too much. The car shakes even more and the boys' teeth are noticeably rattling. Then the light shines brighter (not unlike a diamond).

In the face of an otherworldly, blinding _green!- then purple!- then white!- then orange!- then..-_ light, the brothers shriek.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!"

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><p>To be continued...<p>

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><p><strong><em>Next time on... Zoinks, It's a Vortex!...<em>**

_DEAN: SAM!_

_SAM: DEAN!_

_DEAN: SAM!_

_SAM: DEAN!_

_SCENE fades to black, violins and ocean sounds play and then there is a bloodcurdling, walrus-like scream._

_FIN_


	4. Sitting in the Car, K-I-L-L-I-N-G

**Disclaimer: Supernatural ain't mine.**

**Warning: Bad news guys. I put some effort into this one. Not a lot, but some. **

**A/N: Something surprising happens. I'll address that at the bottom of this chapter.**

**Also, I reference 4.14 "After School Special," but you won't recognize how unless you've seen the episode, so no spoilers.**

**Read, enjoy, review! :D**

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><p><span>Chapter 4<span>

Sam and Dean: Sitting in the Car, K-I-L-L-I-N-G.

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><p>"AAAAAAAHHHhhhhaaaaaaahhhah?"<p>

Sam had, at one point or another, stopped screaming and was looking on at the scene in front him with a fair amount of boredom. Dean, on the other hand, was still screaming his head off, and continued to do that even as realization hit. Then the scream kind of ended with a question mark.

"Why are we on a beach? We never go to beaches. Hell, I don't remember the last time I wore shorts."

Sam chuckles. "I do."

Dean looks disturbed. He then begins to wonder if his gay chastity is safe. He knows his straight chastity went out the door years ago. Then he remembers that Sam is his brother and he doesn't do homosexual subtext. Not anymore at least…

"I am not about that life," Dean mutters.

"Huh?"

"Nothing!"

The brothers share an awkward pause. Fittingly, it's kind of awkward.

Sam breathes audibly. Dean looks over as if he thinks Sam's about to speak. Sam gives Dean a "wtf are you looking at" look and Dean shrugs. Sam looks away. Dean fiddles with the steering wheel.

"BEEP!" That's the car horn. Dean accidentally touched it while fiddling (oh my gawd guys, with the steering wheel).

"OH MY GOD DEAN. Can you ever just sit still?"

"No?"

"Honestly, it's like living with a giant booger. That talks. A lot."

"Dude."

"What?"

"Too far."

"…You're right. That was unnecessary." Sam leaves enough of a pause for comedic effect and then says consolingly, "You're not that big…" Dean looks at Sam guardedly and Sam smiles viciously, like a shark. "Actually, you're kind of short."

"Dude!" Dean should have seen it coming, but he's still super indignant and totally not even close to getting over the running gag that is his height.

"What?" Sam asks innocently.

Dean responds lamely, "….you're a giant booger."

"Well said."

All this Sam winning at trolling starts to get on Dean's nerves. The poor, little squirrel eventually erupts into angry chattering.

"Son of a bitch! Sammy, I'm going to wrap my hands around your throat and-"

There is a sudden silence outside the car, which is mostly drowned out by the brothers' bickering. Then a faint chanting of, "Kill. Kill. Kill," begins. It's like a whisper in the wind- unnoticeable, insignificant… gone.

Dean, however, twitches, as if the whisper in the wind has travelled directly into his earhole. He stops mid rant, cocks his head to the side, and asks Sam, "You say something?"

"No. I was just waiting for the rest of that threat."

Dean, unsettled, continues, "Oh, erm, right. And then I'll squeeze that giant tree trunk you call a throat and-"

"Killkillkillkillkill." The whisper in the wind becomes a gentle rumble.

Dean notices that too. He stops to re-ask Sam, "Are you sure you didn't say something?"

"Positive. So as you were saying?"

Dean is powerless to do anything, but continue with his threat. "And then, just when the light in your eyes begins to dim-"

_"Killkilkkillkk LKJOK;lkiilliiKKIOL;;."_ It's as if the rumbling is subtly takillng over everything.

Instincts ring loudly within Dean and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He can't help but exclaim, forced harshness drowning out his nerves, "Okay, this is ridiculous! You _had_ to have said something."

"KILLKILL. KILL! KILL! KILL!" The rumbling has taken over.

The car begins to roll. Slowly, it inches forward towards the waves that lap peacefully against the shore.

Sam, who likes to wait until he has the proper information before adding his input, has now noticed the weird rumbling ranting. He can also see a swarm of small humanoid beasts over the crook of Dean's shoulder, coming towards the car.

Coming to a conclusion, Sam offers, "Uh, Dean? I think it was them talking."

The once calm waves are now slapping ferociously at the car. The door on Sam's side of the car opens, and Sam is pulled backwards.

Dean looks over his shoulder at the beasts, says, "Oh shi-" before noticing that Sam is being stolen and shouting, "SAM!"

"DEAN!" Sam shouts over the roar of the waves.

"SAM!" Dean shouts back, as he tries to get over to Sam's side of the car.

Dean is able to make it to Sam's seat and is about to step out of the car when the door slams shut.

Sam shouts, "DEAN!" one last time.

Everything fades to black as a screeching sound reminiscent of violins being playing and the ocean's loud roar resound across the beach. There is a bloodcurdling, walrus-like scream.

Then, nothing.

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><p><strong>AN 2: The surprising thing that happens: Plot. Oops.**


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